For 6.5 of 8.5 months, there was nothing but crisis and emergency in my life with John’s diagnosis of glioblastoma. Brain surgeries, stroke, seizures, radiation, chemo(s).
It’s not generally how it goes for most. Many John’s age find out when the tumor is smaller and surgery recovery is not as bad. Or they respond better to the initial treatments. Or they have the opposite and simply don’t make it.
It’s a crazy battle to be forced to embrace. Though truthfully, we didn’t pick the easy route.
With John finally responding to a treatment, we’ve finally had a bit of a chance to catch our breath. Mostly in the last month. But only in the medical sense. Only in that we see doctors every two weeks instead of every day now. As long as he has no fever and as long as he has no seizures.
Fact is, I’m slipping under the pressure and I know it. I’ve been holding everyone and every thing together.
It’s not like people haven’t offered to help. They have, but they don’t know how or what to do. Few people ever jump in. And there’s been so much that no one could take on.
After finding myself running to the grocery store for the 5th time in a week. Because I forgot something I really needed, like toilet paper or an essential ingredient in John’s cancer smoothies. Even though I had a list. But there’s so much data running through my head and so little sleep and so many tasks that fall to me. That I can’t remember it all. I forget things. I don’t notice things until they’re screaming at me. I run out of energy. I crash. And I can’t afford to get sick. For so many more than just one reason.
I’ve decided I need to hire some help. If I can find it within the right budget. There are some shopping services in Austin. Like InstaCart and Shipt. I’m going to check them out and Amazon what I can. And I’m going to try to get some house cleaning help.
Friends aren’t always a good choice. Friends all work. They’re busy and have their own families and then there’s the problem when help turns more into reassuring visitors and when they leave, I’m no closer to going to bed earlier.
I am going to also start a Lotsa Helping Hands circle too I think. I’m exploring options. One way or another, I need to find ways to delegate and streamline my day. I’m not sleeping enough. Some things only I can handle. But other things, maybe someone else can help. Even if I have to hire it out.