Tonight…

Tonight is one of those nights where I feel discouragement. The holidays are around the corner and I have butterflies about re-entering the job market and interviews – all in order to find a good paying position with good major medical benefits. And to become debt free after all this devastation. Heck, even debt reduced.

I haven’t had to look for a job in two decades. My self-employment was helpful to the family, but it never supported the whole family all the time. It took both John and I to make things work in life. Now I’m doing his job too.

In order to make sure my son stays alive, I need to figure this out. Because I’m not yet making it financially alone and without John. So many responsibilities. Part of me would be relieved to step in to help solve someone else’s problems for awhile.

It’s been 14 months and I look around and still see so much to do. So much still to pay off. Nothing feels quite like it’s going right, like trying to work at 10 times the speed with only thumbs to help. And the world weighs heavy on me.

I know all this will pass. I know I’ve been through the worst already. I know I have good reason to be stressed and I know that being stressed doesn’t change the reality of things. I know I’ve been through hell and maybe not quite back. I know I won’t feel this way in a few years. Maybe. I hope.

But tonight is one of those times when you wonder if anything you do has meaning anymore. If you’re screwing it all up and maybe you don’t have any clue what you’re doing after all. No matter how much advice you seek or how much you study. Nor how much you pray for guidance and help.

I’ve been there for others through times like this. Surely I can do this too.