A few nights ago I had this dream that I was approached by vampires.
We can cure your husband, they said.
We’re really the only cure for cancer there is.
All your husband’s knowledge, all his skills, all the things that he knows that nobody else knows…
These things can live on.
They can be preserved.
We can save your husband.
And in my dream, my husband thinks hey – that’s a great idea!
What a great solution, he says. It’ll save my life, he says.
And I have an absolute fit.
I say – giving up now
and become a VAMPIRE
And he says, no it will save me.
And it’s not like you and the kids have to do it, it would just be for me.
I will be saved and we can still be a family. You don’t have to become a vampire too.
And I say – if you don’t have the willpower to keep fighting
and keep LIVING NOW,
and you’re going to give up
and become a VAMPIRE
and be DEAD –NOW-,
what makes you think you’re going to have any willpower not to turn me or the kids in vampires too?
What makes you think you’re going to be able to control your new vampire personality traits?
You have a hard enough time getting through cancer treatment and controlling your cancer personality traits as it is.
I WAS SUPER UPSET!
And I woke up at some point because John had to get up in the night. Quite exhausted from all of my dream arguing.
And when I went back to sleep I continued to dream about insurance paperwork.
Then the next night, I dreamed that there was a trial where wives and husbands we’re donating their blood to help with some kind of research to benefit their husbands and wives who had glioblastoma. By comparing the blood from life partners they hoped to come up with something that would help cancer patients. Because in theory, they spend the most time together and live biologically similar lives. So study the partners and look for a connection.
So of course there were tons of us who were like – SURE!
Take some of my blood already!
I’ll do whatever you need to help save my husband, wife, lover.
And so I said yes.
I filled out paperwork and was brought into a little room where they’re going to take my blood and start running tests.
They bring me in, close the door, and they forget that I’m there.
And after a while of waiting I realized that everyone has left the building, and I am locked in this room and no one has noticed.
It all seems like some kind of cruel joke.
Another time I dreamed that without John, I couldn’t protect my children from being kidnapped. Crazy right?
Then there was the dream about John being in his last days.
And friends said they would come over for a visit, share a meal with me and see how he and I were doing.
Several people wanted to come around lunchtime or dinner time, so I made plans and got the house ready, prepared food for everybody and got ready for company.
But it turned out that everyone was too busy, and had their own things to worry about.
So no one came or let me know that they couldn’t come after all.
And I waited and waited after making all that food. Then John said I was silly, and wasted my time.
And I said, but I’m trying so hard to do this right.
The reality of GBM messes with your head enough while you’re awake.
And I’m only the wife of the survivor.
It’s a nightmare of a cancer, boggling the mind as to how it can even exist.
There’s too much to do.
I don’t need it eating up my sleep too.
5 responses to “The Things You Dream When Your Husband Is Fighting Glioblastoma”
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Julia. This is a heartbreaking post. I know you’d do anything you could to save him, and I know you need the respite of a good night’s sleep. Sending you positive thoughts.
I’m sorry, but not surprised, this has invaded your dreams. I’ve been there with a different kind of cancer. I’m holding you and your family in my heart.
Sending love and hugs from far away, hoping you can get some sleep and moments of respite…
Hey dahlink- I haven’t been on the blogs or Rav or Twitter for a while and just now saw your CLF post from a couple months ago. I stopped everything and prayed for you, your husband and your family. I honestly need to read through your archives to see where things stand now, but just wanted you to know you’ve got another prayer warrior in your corner. I hope and pray for the best for you all, and for the peace that passes all understanding, during the day and especially as you sleep, while you are going through this though time. Big hugs from across the pond. Xoxo
My sister and I send faery dust (because, after all, one is never to old to believe) to each other every night before I sleep (she works nights so she saves hers for her sleep time) and every little bit helps so…
It is with great admiration and all the love I have that I send you bucket loads of healing faery dust for both you & your beloved…
I am humbled by your courage. Thank you for sharing.