November is coming to an end this next week, as will NaBloPoMo.
NaBloPoMo has been a different animal for me this year.
I tried to write for two blogs at the same time for this year’s challenge, registering my Frell Cancer blog for the challenge along with Aberrant Crochet.
Frell Cancer made it daily for 2 weeks. And then I just couldn’t. So I decided to focus on Aberrant Crochet for the rest of the challenge alone. I haven’t lost the challenge in years. I don’t want to lose this year. And I want to get writing regularly again. I know I need it.
But with just Aberrant Crochet, it’s still been a challenge. And it’s not for lack of ideas of what to write, or a lack of wanting to write.
It’s simply been a lack of energy and bandwidth to bring those ideas to fruition. The difference between a good idea and great writing.
FC fell by the wayside in part because it’s so emotional to write about something cancer related every day. I have so much good information to write about and share, to help other glioblastoma families. I really want to do that. But it takes time to do it right and it also takes all the energy from your emotions every time you relive something.
With AC, I want to write about crochet and fun things. And experiment with various fiction and writing styles, like always.
But… I’m just so wrung out all the time. Life is so much different this year than last year or any other year.
I spend hours on the phone talking to insurance and billing departments, trying to get our bills sorted out. With weekly and bi-weekly medical visits, it’s a constant job by itself.
Don’t get me wrong, our insurance people have been great. Some are even working overtime to help us get things sorted out.
But there are always errors from one side or another. And it always takes a lot of time and energy.
And while I often seem like an extrovert to people, I’m really not. I’m an introvert with leadership skills. I derive my energy and reboot my batteries through quiet alone time. Which I get so very little of anymore.
It’s a constant influx of people. Constantly having to talk with and reason with people I normally wouldn’t have to. Constantly driving all the time. And at some of the doctors offices, the staff are not always friendly, which also wears me out. Natural diplomat that I am. I expend a lot of energy sorting out what’s going on, why are appointments running late, what’s the problem with insurance this time, why didn’t anyone tell us we needed abc before xyz…..
Doing all this for work is one thing. But the stress of handling your family’s personal health is so much more. And the stress of brain cancer means more than just the fear of John dying and whatnot. It’s all the other stuff it brings into your life. Including new rules we didn’t use to have to live with.
And then there’s all the management of daily life. Cooking, cleaning, taking over tasks that John cannot do. Groceries, budgeting, rides for the kids, what can I sell, don’t forget work.
With the holiday weekend, I’ve finally had a space where I can focus solely on working on the house. Which needs help.
Come Monday, I’ve a list of phone calls I must make before we deal with MRI, eval and “report card” week for John.
And one more item just got added to my list today. Local lab (new to us) told me our insurance company said we owed the cost for last week’s lab work. I know that there hasn’t been enough time for the lab work to have been filed with our insurance properly. But the technician wanted me to make a payment for something we don’t owe. We’ve already met our maximum for the year. So frustrating. And especially because I think she was reading the notes from her billing department wrong.
So come Monday I will have to call both my insurance company and their billing department, on top of the other calls I already have to settle, because Monday is the only day next week I can really make these calls. (Oh yeah, and work ahead so I can camp out at the hospital all week.) With the NO team wanting weekly blood work, we have to do it asap so they don’t refuse to do the tests. And it’s so close to the end of the year.
Why is the system always so difficult?
Anyway, once I’ve been through a day of all that, it’s like I’ve used up all my energy to write words. I still have my ideas, but the power behind my words is gone. Like running out of color ink on my printer. I can print a pie chart in black/white, but it’s not as useful or interesting.
I don’t like ranting for a post. But this is what’s eating my soul today. I’m trying to pull myself together, finish my coffee and then get busy reorganizing things in my pantry so I can function and figure out a good meal plan.
And, now my post is done for the day. I’ve been mostly writing at night, when I’m the most tired.
Maybe I’ll actually go to bed on time today.
Yeah that might help.