Category Archives: Random Thoughts

Silence Is Broken…


I finally dreamed about John 3 nights ago.

I was at an old drive in movie place, but instead of parking for cars, there was a collection of remodeled vans, cargo trucks and buses in the movie lot – tiny house style.

Where the guts of the original vehicle are removed and the inside is remodeled like an apartment.

Only these were basically just rooms to hang out in.

All the wheels had been removed from the vehicles and they just sat on the ground.

I walk up to the back of a long, converted cargo van and open the doors.

All the seats and stuff inside had been cleared out of it, save a single white bench seat/couch positioned in the middle, facing the back doors where I stood.

A custom couch made to look like it belongs in an old car, but obviously way more comfortable.

The van definitely seems bigger to me on the inside.

And there was John sitting on the couch, in his jeans, t-shirt and ball cap.

He tells me, hey baby – why don’t you come in and spend some time with me?

I look around, noting the absence of anything else inside this van.

And I quip, “Well now… I guess you did clean everything up quite a bit!”

Cocking my head, I smile coyly and start to close the door and come sit with him.

And then I freeze, staring at him – suddenly realizing, dear god I’m dreaming about him.

Nine weeks since he died and I’m finally seeing him.

But as soon as I realized he was there, the vision broke and I woke up. 😦

I tried to go back to sleep and revisit that dream, but it didn’t work.

Still, it’s remarkably comforting.

After weeks of complete vacuum, without a good or even a bad dream about John or our fight again GBM, I finally saw my love.

I just hope I see him more.

dream-van

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I don’t have to agree with you to find value in what you have to say


You know, a common (perhaps even fear based) block occurred to me this morning.

It’s a prevalent misnomer to think we have to embrace or commit to another point of view in order to gain from it or find value in it – we don’t.

Listening, learning, considering other points of view does not somehow lock us down.

It does not place chains on us. If anything, it makes us free.

The value is in the exchange, testing and even the voicing of ideas.

The keeping of ideas is not as laudable as reasoning and consideration.

We don’t have to agree in order to both be right.

And when you are fearless enough to accept that truth, the value that cracks open from that geode is breathtaking really.

We are amazing, intelligent and creative creatures.

Even when we don’t agree.

 

 

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Singularity…


A black hole opened within the sun.

Half my heart and soul fell in.

Eclipsed in the palm of the one I love.

Will I ever find him again?

..
Happy Birthday Love….

— October 27th, 2017 —
Copyright © 2017 by Julia Meek Chambers, all rights reserved.

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Drive…


I don’t have a lot of answers. But I do have a few.

Life is too short a game to stick with things you hate.

Anything that takes your peace away is not healthy for you long-term.

Sure, there’s risk in change.

But all things worth anything require risk.

Life is risk. Love is risk. Hate is risk. Health is risk.

Winning is risk. Losing is risk.

Just releasing your voice upon the ether is risk.

ART IS RISK.

You can do everything right and lose every thing.

But in risking everything, you actually risk nothing.

Because you can’t opt out.

RISK is in every breath already.

It’s what makes life – LIFE.

Regardless of what you choose to do,
one of two things will happen.

You will take the next breath, or you won’t.

There’s freedom in that fact.

Might as well see what this game can look like.

And therein lies the key.

So ok, you can’t quit that job you hate today.

Or drop that class. Or move your family.

It sucks.

But you can craft a plan and set things in motion to move in a direction you want.

What does that take?

How would you get more data to look at those ideas more closely?

What doors would need to open?

How do you find those doors?

Who are the people associated with those doors and where do you meet them?

Work the problem backwards and find yourself some steps to start with.

If nothing else, life won’t be boring if you pursue this exercise in free will.

And know this.

YOU are the most powerful thing in your entire universe.

Nothing is more powerful than you. Save God, but he gives you free will.

So be your own creator.

Whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, doesn’t matter.

Grab the handles of that motorcycle and drive that engine where you want to go.

Whatever you do – DON’T make a plan based on what you think the world wants.

Screw that.

What would you like to do? What does quality of life mean to you?

What would you like written on your gravestone?

Start with that.

But don’t wait around. Death is certain for us all.

I’m no one special, but I hope this helps.

Resolve to trust yourself a little more tomorrow than you do right now.

You won’t regret it.

“The trouble is, you think you have time.”
– Jack Kornfield, Buddha’s Little Instruction Book

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HBD…


Today is tough.

Today’s my birthday and John’s birthday is in 6 days. The weekend between our birthdays was always our standing annual date weekend. We’ve almost never thrown birthday parties for ourselves. Instead we focused on our own personal celebration. And my motto has always been to set aside October as our birthday month to do something memorable each year. It’s so easy for the monotony of work, duty and stress to just blend all your memories together into one mushy pile. But for our birthday month, I would try to do something memorable – something unique just to feed the soul – and set things apart. A deposit into that bank account of fun, positive experiences in life.

For John and I, regardless of how busy or crazy the year was, we had this standing date with each other that we looked forward to. Our October weekend birthday date. Our fun date. We tried never to break it. Of course we always tried to do something nice for our anniversary on December 23rd, but our birthday date weekend was something fun and a creation all ours I guess.

Our date this year would have fallen tonight. And then this week would have been our special week. We would have tried to at least make dinner creative most nights this week. Both John and I love to cook. Sometimes for our date, he’d make some amazing creative dish. His venison round steak with spicy Magic Bourbon Sauce was out of this world and probably my favorite of his creations. John’s skill with food often left us disappointed if we went out, so eating in was not uncommon.

His absence is punctuated right now. And it really hurts.

So I’m hanging with my two favorite people in the world.

Our kids. And soaking it in.

Love you honey. Wish you were here.

#CureGlioblastoma

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Ember…


The mountains are so pretty at sunset.

I gaze into the light.

Blinded above.

Blinded below.

Beautiful trees in my peripheral.

A warm wind swirls across my cheek and I disconnect from my body for a while.

I focus on the gift of sight.

Please God. I wanted him to see Montana.

It feels just like him. Rocky and beautiful.

Air flows around me, separating the barbs of my feathers.

I feel each loosen as I close my eyes.

Arms surround me from behind,

as a head of soft dark hair leans into my shoulder.

I loosen my soul to blend with his.

An eternal moment, destined to pass.

My skin crackles.

The fire burns so hot now.

I don’t want to go.

I don’t want you to go.

I don’t want to be reborn without you.

Please, hold my hand. Don’t leave me.

Knowing is a consuming crown.

Ashes smoke the air.

Desperately. Don’t. Want. This.

My fearless Force of Nature.

You kissed my tears and told me once that you would find me.

That nothing would stop you.

The Raptor I set free, returned but for a while.

Life without your comfort is unconscionable.

I try to calm the smolder.

Afraid to breathe on the embers of my own heart and soul.

Hold the space a little longer please.

“I’m burning up a sun, just to say goodbye.”
— The Doctor

“Before I go, I just want to tell you: you were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what? So was I.”  — Season 1, Episode 13

“We’re all stories, in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?”

— July 31st, 2017 —
Copyright © 2017 by Julia Meek Chambers, all rights reserved.

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Focus…


Don’t simply fill your life up with busy work
just to feel your wheels in motion.

Be stingy with your energy
and make every choice count.

You’ll find direction faster than
you ever realized possible.

Written 04-09-2017, 6:58pm
Copyright © 2017 by Julia Meek Chambers, all rights reserved.

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The Shelf Is Not The Place…


We get so busy surviving life,

That it’s easy to put what matters most on the shelf,

Waiting for “the right time.”

Waiting for a fresh breath of air,

Instead of the breath we have just now.

“I’ll come back to it later,” we say.

And our collection of “some day” grows.

Don’t. Wait.

There’s no better or perfect moments.

Just messy, muddy, imperfect ones.

Shelves are for decoration or storage,

Not for Living.

Thank goodness making mud pies

While taking mud baths

In red clay puddles,

With sprinklers and swings

And a yellow swimsuit, imperfectly ruined

Is one of the best memories ever.

Written 03-27-2017, 12:40am
Copyright © 2017 by Julia Meek Chambers, all rights reserved.

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The Reveal…


Elightened TreeThe din rises and surrounds me.

Complaints and feelings and judgements and hate.

Everyone hurts, at least a little.

And so I stretch and I climb.

Petty ideas and rigid mindsets
disassemble easily in the face of extremity.

Every thing someone wants me to invest into,
I can sling shot at that.

The true test of mettle.

You’ll never know how strong something is
until you push it to the breaking point.

This is true of ideas, things, ethos and people.

The Face of Extremity will undress anything.

My can crusher of Enlightenment.

Clatter beckons at my knee; I reach for limb and pull.

The noise has always bothered me; the annoyance and distraction.

I used to be impatient with it.

But right now it simply falls away.

My ears and eyes and heartbeat only have room for Now.

Purity, truth, honor, love.

The gap that swallowed me whole.

Right Now.

Right Now.

Just Now.

One heartbeat. And two.

Who knew faith required a plastic mind?

Written 03-18-2017, 02:48am
Copyright © 2017 by Julia Meek Chambers, all rights reserved.

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Logic Isn’t Always…


My meditation today…

One of the GBM patients in one of our support groups went holiday shopping with his wife. They went to pick out a gift for their daughter. It was a triumph, because he hasn’t felt good enough to get out of the house in so long.

Unfortunately, he has aphasia and he’s lost his peripheral vision. All too common for glioblastoma warriors. He tripped on a display he couldn’t see at a store and knocked everything down. He was so embarrassed.

As people helped pick it all up, someone had the gall to tell his wife that she should make him lay off the booze before going out in public. The wife doesn’t know if he’ll go out with her again.

I’m appalled for their experience.

But the thing is, I know that before I understood this disease, I might have thought he’d been drinking too.

I wouldn’t have said anything, but it is very possible that I would have thought it. Because I simply had no clue before. I didn’t understand brain cancer at all.

*Maybe* my experience with disabled children would have helped clue me in, but if I was busy, I doubt it.

Our perspectives in life are often reasonable, based on logic and data we already possess.

But that does not automatically translate into the truth, the whole truth and nothing but truth.

Logic alone does not make us fair and just. Seemingly reasonable does not equal justification.

We are capable of interpreting what we witness and experience as falsehoods. In our justified reasonableness, we can sin against our fellow man.

We can judge and accuse others of actions and beliefs they haven’t taken and don’t have. Because “actions speak louder than words.”

This is why temperance, compassion and love are so important.

They help us to take another look.

Compassion tells us not to jump to conclusions and to offer our hand. Love tells us to hold our tongue and strive not to harm our neighbor. Temperance reminds us that just because we can, doesn’t mean it’s right.

Steven Covey reminded us to shift our paradigm. Every major religion in the world reminds us to be slow to assumption and mindful in our choices. And God reminds us that we are all his children.

Kindness and balance are everything.

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For all the octopi in my life, you are the best. :)


True friends are like octopi...

 

True friends are like octopi…

 

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In my estimation, we’re evolving…


earth_sun_nasa_imageI don’t believe in organized politics anymore than I believe in organized religion.

It’s become our new way to slander and crucify our fellow-man. The excuse we give to act less than we are. Our justification for ignoring what we should be paying attention to.

I suppose it’s born out of my rebellion against anyone trying to force me to conform to a specific label.

I  refuse to join a group, vote a party line, or violate my conscience to keep someone out of office.

More times than not, reasonable people assume I think exactly as they do, and therefore against anyone they don’t like.

This is only because I am open-minded and more studied than most. I don’t gravitate to media talk shows and labels to judge a situation or person. And I find reasoned discussion, disagreement, and even debate, to be edifying and essential to society.

I believe that as we evolve as a human race, our problems and their answers likewise evolve. It is the way of spiritual maturity.

I cannot agree completely with any one ideology.

And I hope I never do.

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Disagreement Is Not A Weakness…


disagreementWhen we project the challenges we feel with our families – onto the world around us – we skew our perception of reality.

We lose our grounding and unfairly accuse others of actions they have not taken and beliefs they do not have.

Two people can disagree and still both be “right.”

Recognizing this is one of the levels of spiritual maturity we must all master.

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Be Your Own Fairy Godmother…


Be Your Own Fairy Godmother - image by Aberrant CrochetOne of my favorite fairy tales when I was a kid was a story called, “The Pixy and the Lazy Housewife,” by Mary Calhoun (1969).

In the story, it is told that pixies, while tricksy in nature, sometimes will help a housewife with her chores when she is sick.  Because while pixies may be tricksy, they are good-hearted folk after all.

So in the story, a lazy housewife hatches a tricksy plan of her own to get the pixies to take pity on her and clean her dirty house for her, because she doesn’t want to do it herself. Which of course backfires, as does anything when trying to trick the wee folk!

It wasn’t that I was a fan of the lazy housewife’s rotten house, or even the plight of housekeepers everywhere (where there’s always someone’s dirt to clean).

I fell in love with the idea that there might be unseen friends out there somewhere, with some kind of honor code and the power to do something, who might take pity to help on someone in pain or need.

Another favorite fairy tale of mine was Cinderella.  (The Perrault version from 1697 I might add.)  I loved that someone could find nurturing and love AND rise above their circumstances, no matter how painful a story their past.  And while fairies and wee folk in general seem to have their own interests at heart to serve, the idea of a fairy godmother was different.  Because fairy godmothers didn’t just serve their own interests. They took their charges seriously.

I don’t know about you, but I just love the idea of a fairy godmother in particular.  She’s not quite as juvenile as other wee folk.  She’s usually kind, all-knowing and willing to help.  And I just knew there had to be a fairy godmother out there for me.   Someone always there, who loved me like a mother (or grandmother), wise as the Universe, who understood my woes, would heal my wounds, treat me to enriching experiences and make magic happen.

There were other influences on my love of the idea of unseen help.  The Magician’s Nephew by C.S. Lewis mentions a grandmother who might have had fairy blood.  A wonderful notion!  And of course, there’s the character Aslan from Lewis’ books, who is practically (literally) a fairy God-Lion.

And so my love for the story of private friends and help, unseen to others, grew with each passing tale.

In adulthood, I’d even play the role of an unseen friend, cleaning house, paying bills, restocking pantries, leaving treats for friends and families. All the while, thinking of what I’d love to come home to sometime, and then doing that for someone else. After all, it’s one of the nicest gifts you could give someone. To wave a wand and grant a small wish or need.

But here’s the thing. We don’t have to wish for or wait around for our own fairy godmother. She’s already here. In fact, she’s right here inside our heart and soul.

We all hurt sometimes. We’re all tired sometimes. We all need a friend to lean on sometimes. We all need and DESERVE nurturing. We all need moments of magic sometimes.

But we should not wait for Prince Charming or our Fairy Godmother to appear and see to these needs.

Start now. Start listening to the small voice inside, who says I haven’t had fun in soooo long. And do something about it! Listen to the little kid inside who says – Ooooo! Sprinkles!  Give yourself a healthy, but tasty snack. Think of the one thing you wish most you had help with, and grant yourself a wish.

Buy yourself flowers, make time and room for a reading corner with something you love to read, treat yourself like a date and try out that recipe you’ve been eying and when you’re tired, draw a bubble bath and tuck yourself into bed. Treat yourself lovingly and bestow daily wisdom on your soul. Improve your working conditions.

Do something to increase your quality of life, love and happiness.  Grant yourself the gift of good memories.

The world would be happier if we would just listen to and take care of ourselves. Deep inside, we’re all still the same little kids, just trying to get through life.

So I challenge you thus:

1. Go surprise someone by playing the role of a Fairy Godmother and do something unexpectedly kind!

2. Find a mirror. Look yourself straight in the eyes, and say this to the beautiful young soul you see….

“I love you.  And today… I’m going to do something to prove it to you.”

And go for it!

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Face It…


Stained glass mandala loveSome people think that the best way to fight an enemy is to pretend that it isn’t there.

Or to somehow reimagine it as something less than it is.

I say call that demon by name and face it directly.  With the shield of God’s Love.

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Every Moment…


Every moment is a deep breath and a step forward.

Everything stripped to its simplicity.

A rebirth with each raw heartbeat.

And still…

There is only Love.

Written 08-03-2016, 2:57pm
Copyright © 2016 by Julia Meek Chambers, all rights reserved.

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I don’t know yet how to begin to explain…


It’s like all the worst possible challenges you can imagine.

Mixed up with experiencing (mostly) the best possible of people.

And we’re just along for the ride.

I have no idea where we’re going.

I just hang on to John.

Take the next step and breathe.

1:44am
April 10, 2016

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Mom Thoughts…


As my kids grow older

and transition into adulthood,

I am ever grateful for 5 little words.

“Mom, I need a hug.”

02/10/2016
9:23 am

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Ever had that feeling….?


The kind where you just don’t feel right.

Like something’s afoot, but you can’t figure out what.

You wonder if it’s just the weather, or the food you ate, or Mercury’s retrograde.

But it’s not. There’s something else.

Like the world is holding its breath, waiting for an unknown shoe to drop.

That’s the kind of feeling weighing on me tonight.

Stay safe out there.

xoxoxo

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Getting Close Now…


I debated on what to write about tonight.

The only NaBloPoMo I ever lost was because of the Thanksgiving holiday, and unexpectedly NOT having access to a computer before midnight.

And of course, I didn’t have a smart phone of any kind back then.

These last 3 nights, I managed to blog via cell phone only. A neat trick, these new-fangled tech tools.

I attempted useful, meaningful and whimsy.  And overall seemed to avoid any major auto-correct mishaps on my blog.

Not that it would have really mattered for NaBloPoMo.  Since it’s not supposed to be about quality, but instead about commitment.

But if you’ve followed me for any time, then you know that I rather despise the idea of “lazy” posts.

I’ll experiment with writing exercises. I’ll play with different styles.

I’ll tell stories and write poetry.  I’ll share information and play show ‘n tell.

But I’m not a real fan of following the crowd or throw-away posts.

Real writing is about sharing some piece of heart, after all. Right?

Unless there’s nothing else left but sheer commitment to the process.

In the end, perhaps there’s a lesson in that.  As it’s often commitment that keeps the world ticking and that drives us to success.  Not the prettiest, the loudest or the tastiest things that cross our paths.  Simply the steadfast things.  The ones we know we can rely on. That which always has our back. What is it that’s always there, even when things don’t go to plan? It gets us through.

Practice, training, love….  None of these are always easy, always sexy, always fun.  But investment in each pays off in troves.

And to dig further into that… What do we want that foundation that we can rely on to be?  What do we really want to commit our energy to in life?  But likewise, from what do we wish to draw upon to help propel us forward?

It’s all too easy to put off important things, because we don’t think we have time to do it right.  We don’t write that letter, because it won’t be a masterpiece. We don’t make that call, because we don’t have enough patience.  We don’t share that story that’s crying to be told, because we’re not good enough to do the telling.  We don’t invest in the relationships that matter the most.  We don’t plan room in our lives for memories, for smiles, for people, for stumbling, for tears, for sticky fingers and sloppy kisses.

And when there’s no extra room, when we live our lives so close to the wire, by the skin of our teeth…

When every minute is spoken for in ways we’d never want for our children, much less ourselves…

It’s time to look up and see the cliff we’re heading for.

Thanksgiving is over and now November NaBloPoMo is winding down to an end. Tomorrow marks the last day of the challenge.

I hope everyone had a marvelous holiday weekend with good memories and camaraderie.

 

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