Category Archives: Humor

Worcestershire and vanilla do not taste alike…


Appearances aren’t everything…

I’m just sayin’, my cinnamon hot cocoa never stood a chance.

They may have similar bottles.

Their liquids might be the same color.

They’re kept in the same cabinet.

And in the dark they seem very much alike.

But they are by far NOT similar in taste.

Pays to be more awake when you are getting creative in the kitchen.

Or turn on the @*&#! light.

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NOT A Fortune…


Pick A FortuneWe love fortune cookies in our family.

I know they were invented in America, blah, blah.

I don’t care. They’re so much fun!

We read them together and then collect them in a little shot glass to enjoy again later.

Anytime we need a little pick me up, positive word, a bit of fun when friends come over – just grab the shot glass and Pick A Fortune!

But the last year or so, they haven’t been so much… fortune.

In fact, much of the time, it hasn’t been fortunes inside the cookies. It’s been NOT-a-fortunes.

Don’t believe me? Check it out.

NOT A Fortune!

< Click on the picture to view it in a larger size. >

On the right side, you can see fortunes that actually qualify as “fortunes.” Or at least mostly.

  • “An opportunity will knock on your door.”
    –  General, but OK!
  • “You shouldn’t overspend at the moment.”
    – General advice, but could be a useful warning!
  • “This coming Friday will be an exciting time for you.”
    – Duh, who doesn’t love Friday? But still – I’m really looking forward to the “exciting time.” I think.

Those qualify as fortunes!

These DO NOT!

  • “If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it naked or homeless?”
    – Wha? Why?  NOT A FORTUNE!
  • “Love is a present that can be given every single day you live.”
    – I personally believe in Life After Death. NOT A FORTUNE!
    and my favorite…
  • “Eat your vegetable and you’ll grow up big and strong like Popeye.”
    – Seriously, wtf. THIS IS NOT A FORTUNE!!!

FORTUNE COOKIE FAIL!

Someone needs to quit at the fortune cookie factory and hire me instead.
I would write totally awesome fortunes.

My fortunes are inarguably better!

Nailed it.

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Craft Bullies…


I cannot believe… I’ve never seen this video before.

Someone shared it over at The Crochet Liberation Front Ravelry Group.

I think it’s absolutely HILARIOUS!
And that its satire also reveals some points, if anyone’s listening…

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12 Brilliant Ways To Create More Time To Crochet!


1. Sleep in your clothes. You’ve probably heard about laying your clothes out the night before to save time the next morning.  But I say heck – why not cut the time out altogether?  Go to bed dressed for tomorrow.  That way you don’t have to dress when you get up in the morning, thereby saving you even more time.  Note: T-shirts, jeans and knit items work the best.

2. Eat breakfast in the shower.  How long do you take to eat breakfast in the morning?  I’m guessing you probably scarf something down in 5-10 minutes tops, don’t ya?  Well that’s still 5-10 wasted minutes you could be crocheting instead!  Multi-task by eating in the shower.  I know, brilliant right?  Hello smoothie! Instant Breakfast shake! Just pop it in a spill proof container and voilà, suck that puppy down while you rinse and you won’t even taste the suds.

3. “Services will be down for scheduled maintenance.” No seriously! Send this notice to your boss, put it on your website, place a sign on your desk and then get to your scheduled crochet maintenance! Trust me, the world will be amazed at how much better everything seems to work!

4. Skip the makeup. After all which is worth more – Maybeline or Malibrigo. Obviously, when your priorities are straight, there’s no contest.  Use that time to pretty your crochet instead.

5. Have a Cro-Go Bag.  Seriously, I don’t just mean your emergency go bag essentials that you should always have tucked away in the trunk.  I mean get in the habit of keeping a crochet bag packed and ready to go – to take in your car.  *Crochet in the drive-through, crochet in the pick-up line at school, crochet at the red lights.  Crochet in the waiting room at the county tag office.  You never know where you might be delayed and there are moments to be caught anywhere.  Especially if you’re a Mom Taxi.  And if you suddenly find yourself having to wait on someone – no worries, you can be productive.

12 Brilliant Ways To Create More Time To Crochet - photo and article by Aberrant Crochet6. Crochet on the phone.  Blue tooth and speaker phone were made for crochet, unless you need to count.

7. Let Amazon deliver.  Seriously. More and more you can find anything on Amazon.  Even Malibrigo.  Save your gas, let them deliver goods to your door and use that time to crochet!

8. Skip lunch.  Well, is your crochet important to you or not?

9. Cover your end tables with crochet projects and WIPs, thereby eliminating the need to dust.  Ergo, more crochet time.

10. Store your clothes in the dryer. Seriously, why fold and put them away?  You’re just going to put them on again before you go to bed.  So leave them in the dryer, toss them if they get cold and save that folding time for crochet!

11. Better yet, barter for laundry service.  You wash and fold my clothes for me, I’ll totally crochet for you.  Oh here, this one has a wine stain.

12. Barter for meals.  You want more time to crochet anyway, right?  Well cooking eats a lot of time!  Covert that time instead into crochet time.  Find the best foodie cook you know and offer to trade them your time, hour for hour, in crochet.  Make sure they have lots of pot holders.

And there you have it!

12 BRILLIANT ways to increase the #crochet quality of your life.

Do you have an idea to add?  Share it in the comments below!

Got a friend in need who could use these tips?

Do them a favor and SHARE this post with them!

World peace will thank you later.

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Filed under crochet, Crochet Community, Humor, NaBloPoMo

Today You Get Kittehs: The Todd Chronicles…


Repairs were being done on the house awhile back.  We were having some flooring replaced.  And a section ended up needing repair, some bracing for some studs, and everything that goes with that.  All this was taking place upstairs right next to my office.

I currently use a dining table as a desk in my office.  No kidding!  Gives me a plenty big surface to work on.

What can I say?  After all those years with just my kitchen dining table as my only available work-space, I don’t know how to condense to a tiny desk surface anymore.  I like to spread my work out.

Meet Todd the Wonder Cat - Aberrant Crochet's baby

Meet Todd the Wonder Cat

So with my table/desk butted up to the window, there’s a nice pocket my furry baby enjoys.  Along with the chin rest.

This is Todd, and out of the 5 cats I have (3 of whom are geriatric), Todd is my baby.  He’s a Bengal mix and he has quite the personality. But then again, don’t all cats?

I guess when I think about it, we’ve had Todd about 6 years. Some renters moved out down the road from us at the old place, and left him behind.  For awhile he visited John while he worked out outside.  Or visit the kids and I outside, teetering across window ledges and whatever tiny strip he thought he could balance walk, while playfully pawing for attention.

In a way, I think he was interviewing us.

Then one cold night after Halloween, he just up and walked into our house.  Without batting an eye at our other cats.  Who, by the way, FREAKED out that some strange cat had just barged right on into their home all calm and cool like.

He found a spot, fell asleep and claimed us all.

And that’s where his stories begin.

As you know, Halloween is quite popular at our house.

And spiders are kind of a thing for me.

And while he doesn’t enjoy the guests, Todd loves the new gear each year.

Truthfully, these are all over our house. I have to explain to every new visitor that it's not a real infestation.

Todd’s favorite.

Truthfully, these Halloween spiders are all over our house.

And one day, someone installing a new oven is probably going to have a heart attack when a bunch of these tumble out in the removal process.

I have to explain to every new visitor that it’s just a prop, not a real infestation.

When people are coming over, I generally try to take a quick scour of the house and toss the plastic critters into corners under the pianos, so they won’t be in the middle of the floor, staring people down.  But that’s really all I bother with.

I suppose I should care more, but… I don’t usually.  And I still haven’t taken down the magnetic ones (that I made last year) off all my doors.  In fact, my yard is still full of crochet spider webs and spiders.  We have not taken them down.  And there is still a TARDIS in front of my front door too.  So truly, the inside and the outside are reflections of one another.  Signs of spiders and The Doctor are everywhere.

Eh, most people know us by now.  My neighbors leave their Christmas lights up.  I leave my spiders up.  It evens out.

And then there’s Todd, usually dragging one of the little plastic buggers out of the corner for someone to see.  My perfect pranking companion.

Floor Repairs

I don’t know if it’s because of his beautiful lines, or what, but Todd has the most expressive face.

So on this particular morning, while I was drinking coffee and debating on webmastering solutions, he was enjoying his drowsy perch.

Todd2-05132015

Working hard with mom.

Over all, as long as he can have his spot somewhere, he doesn’t care about visitors showing up at our house. People can go about doing whatever, as long as he gets his mommy time at some point in the day.

But then the Skil saw came out.

Wha...?

Wha…?

I don't understand....

I don’t understand….

OK, I'm not dreaming.

That’s not nice, I was napping.

This is your fault.

This is your fault.

I gotta hand it to Todd, he didn’t panic. But he wasn’t too happy!

Still, what can I say? It was worth all the work and noise and I love the new floor.  No more carpet in the hall!  Easy to mop and clean, bare floor.  It’s been wonderful.

And guess who can’t get away with peeing on it now?

Gotcha kiddo!

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“Mommy: Which Would You Rather Have To Fight In A Tank – A Tarantula Or A T-Rex?”


I take my head-phones off.  My son just came barreling into the kitchen.  “What?” I ask. 

It’s Sunday morning and I’m sipping coffee at the table, enjoying the quiet while typing.  I’m working on a blog post.  Well… I was.  Until now.

It’s another one of those convoluted questions he throws in my lap when my head is completely dedicated to something else already.  And I’m not even really awake yet. 

He repeats the question.

“Wait,” I ask. “So the tarantula and the T-Rex are in the tank?  And I’m outside the tank trying to fight them?” I’m trying to visualize a tarantula and mini t-rex in a tank.

“No!” He says.  “You’re in the tank! It’s for the game I’m programming.”

“Oh, so I’m in the tank with them, trying to fight them?”

“No! Only you are in the tank, they are outside.”

“Wait, so I’m in the tank and a giant tarantula or T-Rex is trying to attack me?” 

“Yes!”

Since my brain was literally torn from the job it was tasked with when he popped his question, I’m struggling harder than usual to visualize and a scene from Honey I Shrunk The Kids comes to mind.

“Why am I trapped in a tank trying to fight a giant Tarantula or T-Rex? Shouldn’t they be in the tank if there’s a tank at all? Am I miniature or something?”

I clearly do not understand.  I see no logic in this game scenario. 

“No Mommy! You are in a military tank – shooting at them!”

….Duh…. 

Oh….

New light is dawning on my morning coffee brain.

“I thought you meant something like a fish tank.”

Well… when you’re talking about a tarantula and a tank, of course I thought of pets!  And of course I was way off base.  No wonder it seemed so illogical to me as a game.

“No Mommy!” He puts his hands on his cheeks, staring at me incredulously.

Yeah, I don’t care for that look and my inner self pokes fun at me.

“Hehe.  That’s the look that says: ‘Am I really related to these people?‘  I thought you never wanted your kids to have that look.” 

You know what?  Shut up self!  I’m just tired, OK?  Now get on with answering your son!

“Oh.  OK, well I guess I’d rather fight the tarantula,” I say.  “I know more about them.”

“Too bad!” he quips.  “You’re fighting both!”

 


My Surreal Life on Sunday morning: October 7, 2012

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Filed under Conversations From the Passenger Seat, Friends and Family, Humor, kids

“You know Mommy? I wonder what would happen if all the magic in the world made all the water bottles in the world appear inside a car? The car would probably explode.”


Ya think?

Random thoughts in the car after school from dear son, September 30, 2010…..

O_o

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“You know Mommy? What if there were a such thing as zombie crickets?”


Random thoughts in the car from dear son after school, 2010….

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“You know what’s strange Mommy? I fall asleep easily to Iron Maiden. I don’t know why….”


(My son one night before bed, August 14, 2010…)

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“You know Mom…? There’s no better friend than the one who kills monsters with you side by side…”


(Dear son’s reflections on the couch July 2, 2010…)

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“You know Mommy? Some days I wish I could be in an all out Nerf War…”


You know son? Sometimes so do I….

(random thoughts from dear son in the car June 25, 2010…)

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“Mommy? I Wonder What the Largest Rainstorm in the World Would be Like…? I know it’s not possible, but what if the largest rainstorm in the world was a drizzle?”


(More random thoughts from dear son in the car, June 26, 2010…)

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“Mommy, I wonder what it was like for the first people who first experienced rain….? Maybe it was scary. Or maybe they were like: ‘Look – water from the sky! Wonder if it’s edible….?’”


(More random thoughts from dear son in the car, June 27, 2010.)

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“Mommy? You know what’s the one thing a person doesn’t want to see when they’re hungry? A Burger King…. And that happens to me a lot.”


(Random thoughts from Dear Son in the car one summer morning….)

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“Mommy? Remember that restaurant we went to on our trip where they throw rolls at people? I want to go back sometime. They never gave me a roll when I asked for one….”


(Dear son’s thoughts in the car one day…)

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“I’m Such A Genius…”


Son: “Mommy Look!”
Me: “What son?”
Son: “I’m such a genius, I created a robotic arm to pick my nose!”

O_o


Originally published on June 7, 2011 on Family Quirks

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A Mother’s Surreal Moment #5987…


This story originally published on “Family Quirks” on June 24, 2010…


So I go by Sprouts on the way to pick up the kids from school. (It’s kind of like a Trader Joe’s.) And they have these great crunchy Bavarian pretzels. Basically a larger gourmet size dehydrated pretzel.

So I pick up a bag of them and have it in the car to give some to the kids, because they are generally ravenous when I pick them up from school.

The kids get into the car, we’re heading down the road and they find out I have pretzels in the car.

“YAY! Those are my favorite!” my son quips.

And I start to feel the inner satisfaction a mother feels when she knows she got it right.

And then he goes on: “They have this interesting texture that when you break them makes the edges kind of rough. And when your lip itches from the salt, you can scratch your lip with the pretzel.”

…… :blink-blink: ……

Umm, gee – that was not at all what I expected to hear……!
My kid… go figure.

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Zombie Squad On Your Side


We were out and about in AZ on our family vacation when I saw this car next to us in Phoenix.  I busted out laughing and just had to share a pic!  Too cool, too cool! (Click on the photo to see it larger and up close!)

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What Caption Would You Add To This Hilarious (Crochet) Picture?


This post was originally published Nov 6, 2010 on my other blog: The Difference Between A Duck.  I thought maybe it deserved some attention here.  Yeah, kinda makes sense.


This is a photo of Laurie Wheeler (Fearless Leader of the CLF) and I at Pinch Knitter Yarns during the Crochet Liberation Front‘s 2010 Conference/Retreat at Cama. Bill, fabulous crocheter, photographer and husband of free-form crochet designer Bonnie Pierce, was snapping photos of everyone. And this shot was in the mix!

“Good Lord,” I said when I first saw it on Facebook. “What happened to my face!”

I know what it is.  That’s the look I get on my face when I’m concentrating. And thinking back, I’m guessing I was focusing in on her words since I’ve trouble hearing in groups. But anyway, since then Laurie, Bonnie and I have supposed on what caption could be put with this photo – related to crochet, yarn, the CLF and our retreat.

"My yarn is not going to be there when I wake up, will it..."

My favorites so far are:
“You’re going to steal my yarn while I’m sleeping, aren’t you…..” and
“Seriously? Since when is there a limit of only five? I’m not giving one up!”
“I’m not hiding anything….”

Maybe: “This is not the yarn you’re looking for….?”

Bonnie added: “Yea…. I DO have enough money to pay for my cabin! You can’t make me put them back!!”

I love it! What captions would you come up with? 😀


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Meet Obey Crochet! – Blog Interview


I want to introduce you to someone I know you will enjoy!

Way back in late spring I came across one of Obey Crochet’s cartoons on Flickr and was literally hooked! I felt like she had crawled into my mind and pulled out my most obscure thoughts of crochet madness and made them funny!

Immediately I just had to get to know this fellow Texan crocheting chic and talk her into making a t-shirt! I didn’t care if anyone else wanted one – I wanted it for me! Stationary too! Like yesterday already!  crochet joy

She only had a handful of drawings up, but darn it if I wasn’t already a fan, hook-line-and-sinker.  I dragged her onto Ravelry and told all my friends (even the ones who just don’t understand this crochet thing I’ve got goin’ on).  I just loved her and wanted everyone else to as well.  She even drew something I could use for one of my previous blog posts this summer “Tech Help For Crafters.”  I also put her in touch with Laurie and she designed the Mascot for the Crochet Liberation Front “Crochet @Cama” 2011 Retreat!

I knew immediately the day I found her drawings that I wanted to interview this chic.  Finally I asked and graciously she accepted.

I’ve been saving this blog interview, waiting for the right moment to share her with the world, when she wouldn’t have to share the pedestal with someone else or some other event.  But now it’s time!

So with the enthusiasm of Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear, here she is ladies and gentlemen – I know you’ll love her too!  Ms. Stephanie Toppin!  a.k.a. Obey Crochet!


Ms. Obey Crochet

1. How did you get into crochet?

My mother, who does not consider all the things she does a skill, but just a basic knowledge. I was about 8 when she showed me crochet and it awakened in me three years ago for fun and a determination to learn patterns and not just wing it.

2. What is the story behind your website Obey Crochet and your crochet drawings?

Frustration. Mostly frustration. I felt the pains of being a second class citizen while creating a public art project using crochet. People were allowed to come and watch as we labored for art and many expressed their love for my choice of craft which they all assumed was knitting. For everyone to admire what you do and then call it something else, it’s like a gorilla tap dancing on your forehead, über annoying. Off to the internet for some type of rescue to show off my crochet pride!

The crochet community existed but there was nothing that suited my dry, tongue in cheek, silly behavior. “I heart crochet” was not going to cut it. I had the idea of “Codependent” and on a Friday night I sketched, on a Saturday morning I drew what turned into 12 drawings. I uploaded them to my Flickr and ideas kept flooding me so I indulged them.

Obey Crochet was born in less than a fortnight as the first website I constructed. I bought a tote bag and some iron on sheets and made a bag that I still carry. It happened so sudden and it’s less than a year old but it was the first thing that just clicked and I never questioned. Fun factor for me? Bajillion times awesome.

3. I hear you’re from Houston, TX! How would you describe the Houston craft scene?

I’m new to the “craft scene”, most people know me as a painter. I have always been crafty but it was more for hanging out at craft fairs, things for friend’s birthdays, Christmas, and junk to spoil their kids with some handmade goodness. It was just a personal release. From what I have come across now after getting more involved, it seems to be huge. I have heard of dozens of craft groups and I think the only down fall is that they don’t know about each other. Houston is a huge city, it’s sometimes tricky to make bridges beyond your area.

4. Can you tell me about your day? What other hats besides “Obey Crochet” do you wear?

Up at 6:30a. Lay in bed, check email, twitter, WordPress from phone. Shower, dress, eat at work. I work at a small local IT company, all guys except my boss. I do graphic design, HR, assistance, work with soap, random tasks while tolerating my male coworkers. I mostly eat cereal and yogurt with local honey. I have allergies. I go home 6ish, sometimes later. Come home, draw, take photos, scan. I paint, or make banners, work on cake sketches, upload an Obey Crochet drawing, work on my other blogs (Fabricandlines, Art Keeps Me Poor) do a proposals for art galleries while listening to podcasts, over 80 of them. I stay up until midnight/1ish most days. And then do it again. I volunteer, I drink beer, I use to ride my bike more, I thrift in my spare time for awesome things like huge brides maids skirts.

5. Quick! What are 5 random things about yourself that others might not know?

I have an afro, I love it. I’m making a unicorn cake for a soon to be 6 year old (hope that’s right). My family is West Indian. I never use LOL. I don’t know how to follow directions.

6. What’s your favorite drawing and/or crochet project so far? A favorite yarn or hook?

I really like roving yarn, I love the way it feels and looks. My heart leaps for it. Hooks? I like the way wooden ones feel more than metal, although when my hands get sweaty the cool metal is nice (sorry, too much info).

Favorite drawing…? “My shadow puppet is better than yours.” It’s silly and ridiculous; it was one of the firsts that were on Flickr. It makes me laugh really hard which is weird and awkward and awesome. I tend to use awesome too much. And to ramble.

7. Artists and crafters seem to be in constant pursuit of the perfect work-room! What is one thing about your current work space now that you like and what is one thing you would wish for in a dream work space?

I like that I have a workspace. I just moved and the old digs had my workspace as my bed in a 9 x9 room. Now I have a spare room and I love that it has French Doors, but I love more that it is a room without my bed in it. For the space, I really wish I had shelves. There is no point grudgingly wishing for grand things when all I need are some shelves.  Cinder blocks and wood would be grand. Everything on the floor is really not assisting the flow.

8. Where can people buy your stuff and/or meet you? Shows, venues, etc.? Are t-shirts available yet?

I’m mostly at a taco truck near Shepherd and Alabama in Houston, but I am usually at a craft store somewhere in the loop. If you are local, you know what that means. I plan to go to all the upcoming craft fairs in Austin and the quilt show in Houston. No booths, just me, I have big hair, I’m easy to spot. I’ll give you a free button or a rub on tattoo.

[She’s going to be at Austin Craft Riot a week from today, along with the yarn bombing freebies she donated!]

I currently have a Cafepress store and yes we have shirts, we even have shot glasses. My goal is to get all the drawings on some type of item in the upcoming weeks. Check back for new uploads all the time.

9. Would you share with readers one valuable piece of advice someone gave you that has helped you or one that you have gained from hands-on experience yourself?

My boss shared what a professor once told her: 
Talent is not that rare. Discipline is rare. The will and determination to get up and write that paper, look for that opportunity, save instead of blowing it all on beer, is rare.

I know that being self-motivated is tough. To craft a life of the things you want to actually be doing is nothing short of the most insane schedule and complicated game plan you will ever set out to do. And no one will write it. It’s yours to fumble and attack and concur every day.

My advice is: Do it.

My fear in life is to be that person who has a million ideas, dreams, and wishes for the rest of their being. Write them all down no matter what you feel about them and do them today or tomorrow or next week, but just make sure you actually do them. Don’t share all of your dreams. Sometimes people can erode an idea before it has even taken its first breath. Sometimes you don’t need the reality check to stop you before you start. You never know until you have it down, it’s solid and real.

What do you want people to say about you on your 75th birthday? Okay. Good. Now go at it and good luck.


So there you have it! Obey Crochet! Go check out her site and subscribe – it’ll do your crochety heart good!

Thank you to Stephanie for agreeing to be featured on my blog! Love ya gal!


Go ahead and click a link below to “share this.”  You know you want to!  : )

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