Category Archives: Humor

Backstory: The Hook Of Desperation


This event took place about a year ago. People have heard me tell this story in person, but I’ve never written it down, until now.

It was time for our annual tag renewal on our car.  Usually I would do this at the local county annex.  I know a lot of people mail theirs in, but I’ve never been a fan of that.  I like to have my receipt and new stickers in my hot little hand when I pay.  Not wonder if they’ve been pilfered in the mail.  After all, we live in the historical district, with an old fashioned mailbox by our door.  Not one of those new-fangled group mail boxes like newer neighborhoods have.

Back to my story.  However, our county built a whole new annex for our town.  I walk in and am immediately greeted by a slick new computer terminal for me to register my name and pick the purpose for my visit from a list of three main categories.  Supposedly this isolation of the purposes for your visit, like paying for your tags, vs. filing a title, would help speed up the process.  I punch my info in, receive a number to get in line and walk into the new, bigger, better waiting room with my children and their reading books in tow. A sea of people like I’ve never seen in our town lay before me.

Arg!  Two hours later I am going crazy.  I hate waiting for long periods of nothing productive.  What a waste of a precious life.  Usually I have yarn or a book with me somewhere in the car, everywhere I go.  But not this time.  I’ve never spent that long at a tag office before, but I was late to renew as it was, so I had to stick around.

Those three purposes for my visit that I had to register and pick from?  That each entailed their own specialized number sequence, making you think there’s a line dedicated for each purpose?  Apparently served no purpose.  Instead of one list of numbers to watch for yours to come up, there were three.  And no particular teller in any order was dedicated to any of the number systems.  And out of a brand new office with 10 windows, only three were manned.

Looking up at the “serving now” number, I knew it was going to take a long time to get to me still.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  I headed out to the car.  There had to be a crochet hook somewhere out there!  I needed to do something before I just totally lost it.  But alas, though I found a bag of yarn, there was no hook.

Out of desperation I dug under a car seat and found out a pkg of Pei Wei chopsticks.  Wait! Idea percolating! There’s a file in my purse.  Holy cow, I’ll try anything at this point!

So taking my nail file to the chopstick I went to town.  And managed to produce the tiniest edge of a lip.

Having finished his book some time before, my son turned bored eyes to my hands with renewed interest.  “Mommy, can I try that?”  I had to bite back the primal hiss threatening to well up from my soul.

I said much nicer (in my outside voice)  “No honey, I’m trying to make a crochet hook.”  He continued to watch with new amusement.

I tested it out on the yarn I brought in.  Hot damn – it actually worked!  Not ideal by any means, but it actually hooked yarn!  Bwahahahaha! I felt triumphant in my rebellion.  I’m sure I probably looked like a crazed mom, sawing and huddling over my new invention.  I did not care.

It was about that time when a voice came over the loudspeaker.

“If any of you are here to renew your auto tags, you know we have a drive through…

Whut?

 

There’s a DRIVE THROUGH?!

Mother of Mary in a flight suit!  Why the hell didn’t someone say something sooner!!!!!

With that, half the room jumped up and ran out the door!

By the time I gathered our stuff and retrieved a child from the bathroom, figured out where the drive-through was hiding and pulled up, there were 10 cars in front of me.  I continued to tweak my hook and crochet.  It only took about 10 minutes for my turn and I was outta there!

Bah!  Stupid drive-through.  You should be obvious, located by the front door and painted red!

But here it is, The Hook Of Desperation.  Yes, it can be done.  Give me enough of an edge and I can crochet with anything!

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The Hook Of Desperation! And it actually works!

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Look what a file can do for you! You never know, it might be a yarnie's best friend.

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Don’t Put That Spoon In The Microwave


“Don’t put that spoon in the microwave,” I tell my 12 year old son.

“Don’t worry,” he says. “Unfortunately I’m not a moron in that way.”

“Ummm…” I say. “You mean to say ‘fortunately’ son.”

“No, I don’t,” he tells me.

“I mean unfortunately. Because I really would like to see what would happen.”


Go ahead and click a link below to “share this.”  You know you want to!  : )

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Filed under Conversations From the Passenger Seat, Friends and Family, Humor, It's An Aberrant Life, kids, Random Thoughts

A Roomba for the Lawn…


Sighing, I gaze at the lawn after pulling into the driveway.

“I wish I had a Roomba for the lawn,” I say.  “Only to cut it, not vacuum it.  A Roomba lawnmower…. yeah….”

In his completely genuine, yet most logical Spock-like tone, my 11 yr old son quirks his eyebrows at me from the passenger seat.

“You do realize that if you did, someone could hack into it and go on a killing spree.”

Blink.

No.  That was not the first thought that came to mind Son.

Not at all.

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“It’s Life Blood…”


“What… the hell…!” My hubby bellows.

He holds up the near empty coffee carafe with an incredulous look on his face.

Oh no,” I say. “I only had 2.5 cups of my mug’s size.” I display my best “don’t even go there” look.

John’s notorious for his “manly size” mugs.  I’m not exactly sure how much they really hold, but it’s gotta be more than 16 oz.  And our coffee maker makes 12 cups.

“But there is always enough left after my two cups to take a travel mug to work!”

Sitting over at the table, our son throws his hands to his head and exclaims,  “Would you all please stop arguing over COFFEE?!”

All cool and nonchalant, our 13 yr. old daughter responds aside with a slight smirk.

“You have to understand –  it’s life blood…”

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Musical Hair…


It’s Monday morning and I’m cracking up. Must be a good sign of starting the week off right!  I never start a Monday off laughing!

We’re watching the morning news shows, drinking our coffee, and one of the anchors mentions Jefferson Starship. A clip of “We Built This City (On Rock & Roll)” is played.

After the musical clip our son pipes up.

“Daddy? Why is it that people who played good rock and roll in old bands always have weird hair…”

I just about spit out my coffee.

“….and poofy heads?”

And then I nearly choke.

John always has a ready answer though.  And that’s when I died.

“Because Son… Aqua Net was a very popular product back then.”



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Typical Conversation in the Chambers’ Family Kitchen?


“Chicken Poodle Soup!” My son says as I ladle out homemade chicken noodle soup for tonight’s dinner.

“Brings a whole new mean to “hot dog.” His voice is playing a smart alec-y tone.

“Yeah, but the fur would get in the way,” dear hubby chimes in.  Always looking for the final word that one is, father of the puns.

Without skipping a beat, dear son lands the punch.  “That’s because you’re supposed to shave it first, duh….!”

#myquirkylife


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And the Painful Truth Shall Set You Free!


John and I both had splitting headaches all day.

Kids seemed fine, but we felt awful. I was worried we’d been exposed to something and were coming down sick.

On top of that, the last two days I just haven’t been able to get going in the morning as well.  John felt the same.  I kept thinking today, what’s wrong with me? I can’t get focused like usual.

Well, with a howl from John tonight, we discovered why.

My emergency run to the store for coffee Saturday night (because there was no way I wanted to do without coffee Sunday morning) was not as fruitful as I thought.  I accidentally grabbed decaf……!

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Meet the Goblins…


I started making a fun series of completely One-Of-A-Kind crochet “Goblin Hats.” And since I love to create with words as well as my hands, I started writing down the little stories that came to mind as I explored the personalities of each little “Goblin” in the making. So here are a few of them – see what you think!


The Bubblegum Goblin

The Bubble Gum Goblin is a joyful little beast whose diet consists of jawbreakers, lollipops and of course bubble gum marbles. It can be seen on occasion eating flowers for their rich colorful flavors. A creature of pure giggles and sunshine, it can’t help but infect its host and passerby’s with smiles on end.

The Cotton Candy Goblin

The Cotton Candy Goblin is a silly little beastie born under an Aquarius moon. Fearless, and addicted to enthusiasm (and arguably a sugar rush or two for good measure), you just never know what this surprising little goblin will do with a caramel café mocha and a double shot of espresso.

The Christmas Goblin loves the winter holidays, what with the long nights and colorful lights. Adorned in crimson and multicolor fashion, it can be found living up the night life while sipping hot peppermint cocoa and shopping for poinsettias. A beastie of distinguished taste, the Christmas Goblin is both stylish and fun. (Unfortunately, this one sold before I could get a photo of it first.)

The Spring Goblin

The Spring Goblin is a sing-songy little beast, hiding out in the tulips and lounging in the daffodils. Gentle and caring, this creature loves gardens

The Cinnamon Goblin - Sold

and all the delights that come with them. Sun-shiny and fun, this goblin can be found tending new growth, and frog-hopping with faeries.

The Cinnamon Goblin is a spicy little beastie, born under a Scorpio moon. Sly and chic, adorned in crimson and indigo, it is a creature of the Twilight. Hiding a cunning intellect under its quirky sense of humor, it can be found sipping martinis and dancing the Salsa, all the while planning world domination. (Now sold.)


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MO-Hair…


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Setting: I’m working on my latest hat design one night, trying to get all my notes down and actually record the creative process. So, I’m trying the hat on, trying to make sure the shape of the bill is just right and just about ready to make the final snip to tie off. Dear hubby is multitasking – recommending a yellow flower for the side while wailing on the new Fender he just bought. And my dear daughter (11 at the time) is fondling the yarn balls I just snipped free from the hat I’m finishing.

Story:

“Oh, I just love this yarn,” my daughter sighs, handling the shimmery lilac one. “That’s mohair,” I say, never missing a moment to teach. All these years she’s always heard me talking about one fiber or another.

But this time, she paused long.

And then my super genius 6th grade but high-school level science whiz tells me, “Ummm Mom, I don’t know what a Mo is……”

So that’s where I stop and nearly choke laughing!

To make matters worse, without skipping a strum, my dear hubby chimes in dryly, “Oh you know honey,” he says to our daughter. “From the Three Stooges. The guy with the hair chopped off in the front. Mo-hair.”

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Crochet Movie Titles Fun….


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We had a fun thread awhile back at The Crochet Liberation Front group on www.Ravelry.com (a crochet and knit community) about possible Crochet Movie Titles.

These are the ones I came up with – reposted here for your enjoyment! Feel free to participate and add yourself to the fun in the comments!

How to Lose a Hook in 10 Minutes

Last of the Mohair

Triple X-Stitch

Hot Yarn and Cold Feet

The Accidental Crocheter

What About Bullion?

Bullion 5 (Babylon 5)

Backstitch (Backdraft)

Balls of Furry

Attack of the Zombie Fiber Hookers (John suggested that one!)

101 Things to Do with a Naughty Skein (another John contribution!)

The Cable-Stitch Guy

Cast Away the Sticks!

Chasing Stitches

Chronicles of Intarsia (a technique in crochet)

Cirque du Filet

Clash of the Tritons (a shell stitch)

Code Name: Decrease

Cluster Theory

Cables Under Fire

The Craft (Hey I like it!)

The Hidden Lives of the CLF

Crazy Shell Dundee

Weaving in Ends

Cross Trebles Make Hidden Dragon

Saving Popcorn Stitch

Scary Mohair

The Stash

Star Stitch Troopers

Herringbone and the Half-Close Stitch

The Stitch-hiker’s Guide to the Marquerite (a star stitch)

House of Flying Picots

The Coffee Stain (I know I’m not the only one who has spilled coffee on a project!)

Tapestry C and the Hook of Destiny

That Darn Cat (need I say more?)

Triton A.E.

Basic Crochet 2: Risk Addiction

The Back Loop Killers

Ruffling Evil

OK I had some fun with this…..!  What about you? Add to the creative #crochet fun in the comments below!

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Is This FlyLady Thing a “Cult….?”


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This was a question posted to Yahoo Answers this morning, wondering if perchance FlyLady could be a mindless satanic cult of some sort, with their Stepford wives clean houses and everyone repeating a similar mantra of “Join – it’s great!”

Well anyway, the FlyLady “cult question” was really, quite a funny tongue-in-cheek post I thought, knowing that the author was likely looking for quirky entertainment value in the way it was written from an “outside” point of view. Maybe even looking for fodder for her blog. Certainly not an attack – just a sense of humor. (Albeit perhaps a younger sense of humor than some Fly members might have shared.)

The thrust of her post seemed to wonder if she did say – actually join the FlyLady band wagon with all the moms who said www.FlyLady.com was so wonderful – if she’d eventually find herself “trapped in a cave somewhere scrubbing toilets and worshipping flies,” I think is how she put it. I was chuckling with a “Lord of the Toilet Flies” moment pictured in my head.

(Hey – it was certainly a better tone in humor than one super-organized friend of mine who in all seriousness said she felt FlyLady was for women who were depressed. No offense to me of course.)

Unfortunately, with the influx of responses (some indignant) that poured in from Fly fans like me, the question was deleted in process before I could finish my own answer to her question. And with it removed, there is no way for me to properly quote how her question was worded exactly, or I would try to share it in all it’s humor.

However I felt a semi-serious but humorous question such as this deserved a likewise answer. So I thought I would share my own response here.

For your enjoyment…..

Question: “Is FlyLady a Cult?”

Answer: “I suppose so. Now that I think about it!

I realize now that I must have been brain-washed into thinking cleaning my house and keeping a routine, can actually be fun! That habitually just simply swish-swiping the toilet and sink first thing in the morning even while in my zombie state of mind (always am at that time of day) that I can be worry free about company needing to use the facilities – even if there are boys in the house. That a shiny sink could possibly make me smile when I stumble out into the kitchen to get my brain juice in the morning. That I really could have more energy and less pain from my injuries if I’d just drink my water, wear my stinkin’ shoes and go to bed on time from the get-go. That I could actually improve my quality of life and state of mind in 15 minute increments?

Good Grief! What was I thinking! How could this BikerMom have possibly been conned into thinking anything domestic could possibly help me be happy? How could this brain-washing dream-world possibly be reality? How did I get sucked in??

Except – my house is cleaner with less effort now. And I am happier! Because I can be freer to be the mom who loves to ride my motorcycle, rock out on my piano and drums, to meditate and design crochet and run my two home businesses when this mom’s command performance is not demanded at home or other work, or even as a military wife. And I have not aged as quickly either.

I’m not a joiner by nature. Nor do I have time for typical housework attitudes or approaches. I’m a professional mom in three fields – alot for anyone. But truth is, cult-like or not the “FlyLady” general attitude and approach to life has helped preserve my freedom and identity as a woman and as a professional, instead of feeling like motherhood stripped it away or left me trapped – like so many of my friends have felt.

I am not trapped. Truthfully – I am empowered.

And so was my response!

If you are unfamiliar with FlyLady– that’s OK. But for those of us in the know, it has helped bring peace into the many lives of those who struggle with wearing so many hats in life: including motherhood, secretary and maid. The FlyLady system may not be for everyone, but it has been a stream-lining tool for many of us who appreciate some help in putting together a framework for success in managing our homes.

Me? It has saved me so much time! A system ready to go, straight out of the package and easy to implement. YES!

Marla Cilley, the founder of it all, has given great service to families around the world through “FlyLady’s” reach.  Thanks again.

Now – if only there was just a TaxLady who could convince me that taxes could be fun too….. 😛

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Out of the Mouths of Babes….


Hubby and I busted out laughing in the truck earlier this evening. Someone driving in front of us appeared to be lost and stopped dead in the middle of the road, waving everyone to drive on past. As we skirted around them my daughter piped up and said, “Mommy, that car had Louisianna license plates! That’s the 4th car with foreign tags I’ve seen since we left the house…!”

Howling we were, I tell ya. How could we not! (No honey, Texas only seems that big…….. lol!)

That was almost as good as the time, when she was much much smaller, she assured me – “Don’t worry Mommy, I have everything under the Troll.”

Copyright © 2008 by Julia Meek Chambers, all rights reserved.

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